my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
