If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
