I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
