I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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