Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize