i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
