I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
