Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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