I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
