My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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