I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
