zippers are such a cool invention
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
