I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
