grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
