you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
