she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
