y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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