My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
