Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
