Umm I'm too high to move.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You smell like a Billy Joel song
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
