Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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