dude i'm inner monologue high
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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