You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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