70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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