He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
