Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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