Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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