i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
