my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
