Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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