Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
third nipple confirmed
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
