You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
