This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
