You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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