oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
