I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
