i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
