she was so not down for the gang bang
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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