is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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