I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
