Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
We were destined to go to rehab together
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
