meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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