Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
