Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I forgot wine drunk hurts
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
