it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
So many bounce houses so little time
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
