How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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