The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
