I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
