before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
