i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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