I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You smell like stripper and shame
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
