I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
