Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
did i walk over a car last night?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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