I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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