she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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