I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
