some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Randomize
