Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize