What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
