There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
