You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize